A Meditation for Managing Your Mood When Conflict Arises

• Yoga
• Awakened Living

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
For where I am closed, I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.
—Rainer Maria Rilke

We’ve all had experiences where we’ve felt unjustly attacked or betrayed. Yet, when an incident disturbs our peace of mind, we have choices. We can turn the conflict over and over in the mind, our thoughts spinning ever tighter, like the bands inside a golf ball, as anxiety increases. Or we can attempt to forget it, just toss the betrayal over the fence. Both of these choices close us down. A part of the mind constricts. If we follow the first course of action, obsessing about the incident, we can lose sleep, be distracted from our work, and distance ourselves from our intimates. Eventually, the knotted ball of pain is internalized in the body, joining with chronic tension in the shoulders or neck, or wherever we store stress. We know the effects of stress on body and mind—including the increased risk of heart disease. If we’re anxious and losing sleep over the issue, the insomnia can lead to a depressed mood, and we can feel trapped in a seemingly unending cycle of anxiety and depression.

If on the other hand, if we attempt to toss it over the fence, or “just let it go,” as a well-meaning friend might say, we may find ourselves looking for ways not to feel. We might indulge in mindless, patterned behaviors (watching too much television, surfing the internet, drugs, sex, alcohol) to numb the pain. Whether we worry and obsess, or try to bury it under the rug, we are closing off parts of ourselves. When we are feeling stressed or scared or misunderstood, it’s easy for those closed-off, defended parts to take the lead. We might appear rigid and reserved, or defensive, or falsely congenial. Those closed-down parts within us are there for good reason. They’ve been wounded and they want to protect us from further hurt. Sometimes they do their job so well that we feel nothing at all. Rilke’s quote speaks for our wise and compassionate inner knowing that wants those wounded, shut-down parts to know that it’s safe to release. But how do we stay open through the pain of injustice and betrayal?

One way is to cultivate a yoga practice that helps us clear the space within, which means we pay attention to sensation and breath as we practice, watching without judgment all that arises. It means we use pranayama to create a sense of spaciousness within, so we’re less constricted around the story. If we simply try to meditate without clearing the space with movement (asana), breathing practice (pranayama), imagery (bhavana), mudra (hand gesture), or sound (mantra), it may feel impossible to sit through the discomfort of our thoughts without spiraling into a darker place. We might rise from the cushion feeling just the opposite of Rilke’s expressed yearning. Instead of the unfolded, open clarity we seek, we feel as though the fog has rolled in.